On our best days, we are invincible. When I’m with you, I feel like a topnotch human being. You shine. We make each other laugh over the littlest things, and have the deepest conversations. We have been there for each other though breakdowns and failures, through triumph, through illness, through moments that are too vulnerable to share with anyone else.
There are many moments in our relationship that are hideous. We both know this. We both know what should be. But when our demons rear their heads and get ready to kill each other, we run to opposite sides, take our weapons, and get ready to maim. Some of our friends have suggested that it would be better for the both of us to just stop everything and break it off for good. Some insist that us being together is a mistake. I understand. But it is hard to describe the magnetic pull between us, and I have never found the words to explain why you feel so right to me. You just do.
We have broken up countless times and gone our own ways and have been in different picture-perfect relationships in comparison to what we have. But no one ever fit like you did. No one felt as easy, in the way that time flows unnoticed because your mere presence is happiness to me. Easy like having an understanding that doesn’t need to be spoken. Easy like manic butterflies in my stomach when we kiss (I never expected them to survive through the years). Easy like instinct, the subconscious knowledge that you are who I trust and I am who you count on. Easy like it might even be love.
Slowly and deliberately, we are trying to fix the violent and destructive patterns that have become habits over the years. Unlearning bad behavior and replacing them with healthy ones is not always easy. I see your struggle and you feel mine. Sometimes, I’m even doubtful that it is doable. But I have always been certain that it’s worth it. We both continue to learn.
Sometimes you’re home and sometimes you’re a war zone.
I never told you that if you texted me after I’d been on dates with other guys, I would leave them kissless on the sidewalk just so I could meet up with you. I never told you that I try to wear things you like, that I try to be unaffected and sexy, and that I literally do not have any idea how to be something you miss. I never told you that the last person in my life never loved me, and I did not know how to change that. I never told you that I am a chaser and a runner, all at once.
I never told you that when you texted me after you stood me up and said, “I could really use your company,” it ripped my heart out. I never told you that using me as an emotional security blanket has been more taxing on my spirit than anything else I’ve ever known. I never told you that I am exhausted because I am constantly worrying about you.
I never told you that all I ever wanted was to be with you, to be yours. I never fought for my right to be your girlfriend, or put myself on the table as an option. I could never mention that I’m the right choice, because I have a serious fear of rejection. I will never let you know that I’ve felt rejected by you since the day we met.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are a lot of things I could have said to prevent getting to this point. I could have been more honest, more open, a little more cruel. I could have stood up for myself a little bit, held my ground and walked away. I could have been a little bigger, stronger… but I am not that person. I am not able to hurt people if they deserve it, because I don’t think anyone deserves it. I am not that person.
It’s kind of fun to plan our date this weekend. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This guy stopped watching porn — and he wants you to know why. Gender activist Ran Gavrieli felt that most of the images he saw in porn encouraged negative, even violent, attitudes toward women, despite a recent wave of feminist porn. So he pulled the plug, and found that his personal sex life and private fantasies became much more fulfilling.
In his talk at TEDxJaffa, he advocates for physically and emotionally-safe sex, as well as erotica that shows a wider range of fulfilling sexual experiences — including the intimacy of human connection, laughter, and touch. Watch his talk here.
Sara Quin and Lauren Mayberry
What. How. Did. This. Happen..